The Untitled Adventures of Hogwarts
by Chilibob
Summary: A lovely story about hogwarts and all it's glory. If you do not like Harry this would be the story to read. If you do like Harry this would also be the story to read. Enjoy!
1. Chapter One

**The Untitled Adventures of Hogwarts **

**Notice Numba One:** I do not have anything against harry...Anymore... and I do not think he is fat and ugly...Anymore. But I need a theme for this story and Harry bashing seemed to be a good idea.

**Notice Numba Two:** I do have something against Albus Dumbledore cuz he sucks! I will also bash him in this story...Along with everyone else.

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**Chapter One**

There once was a nerdy looking boy named Harry Potter. And there still is as a matter of fact. And on this lovely day he was roaming around Hogwarts aimlessly in search of a canned ham sandwich.

"Because I am hungry." Explained Harry to Dumbledore.

"Shut up!" screamed Dumbledore in Harry's ugly face.

"I'm not ugly!" said Harry with much concern.

"Yes you are!" said Dumbledore "You're as ugly as I am pretty!"

"What?", asked Harry.

"Don't question my authority!" roared Dumbledore. He was so angry he put a bomb in his pants and blew himself up.

"Woah…" was all Harry said. He then went to the great hall to find some lunch.

Harry walked up to the manly Cho Chang who was at the back of the room trying to look cool (Though she definitely did not.) Harry shoved two dollars down her throat.

"One canned ham sandwich please" said Harry idiotically.

"HOW DARE YOU!" screamed Cho when she was done chocking.

"Oh!" said Harry in shock "Sorry Cho. I thought you were a vending machine!"

"Agghh!" yelled Cho angrily.

"I think it's because you are so large…and manly." Said Harry. Surprisingly that made matters even worse.

"Agghh!" screamed Cho even more angrily.

"I love you," said Harry trying desperately to calm Cho down. But telling someone Harry Potter loves him or her is probably the worse thing you can do to a person so Cho got even angrier.

"Agghh!" screamed Cho. She jumped on Harry and whacked his fat head on the ground repeatedly.

"Ouch…Ouch…Ouch…" said Harry every time his head hit the ground.

"Cho Knock that off, my happy fat friend" said Neville who was showing of his two favorite hobbies (Being happy and calling people fat.) "It's two o'clock, which means it's my turn to torture the fatso."

"Oh…Ok" said Cho and She went to Snapes room to perform some dark magic on her pet answering machine.

Meanwhile Harry had escaped from Neville and was walking backwards thorough a forest of first years.

"Agghh!" screamed Snape running in "There are old people outside in the lake doing yoga! AAAGGGHHHHHHH!"

"OH NO!" panicked everyone in extreme terror.

"I'll save us," yelled professor Mcgonigal. She ran outside and jumped into the lake where the old people were indeed doing yoga.

"Ahhgg!" yelled Mcgonigal who was obviously drowning "I'm drowning! I forgot I couldn't swim! HELP!"

"Mcgonigal you great idiot!" yelled Ron out the window "The water is only three feet deep!"

"So?" screamed Mcgonigal as people do when they are drowning "What's your point?"

"Stand up you nincompoop!" yelled Ron.

"Oh…" said Mcgonigal standing up. She then attacked the old people doing yoga.

Meanwhile, inside the castle, Fred and George were yelling at Dumbledore.

"Dumbledore! You got your ugly white hair in my brush again!" Yelled Fred holding up a sock.

"We told you not to use our brushes anymore!" yelled George.

"But I lost mine!" sobbed Dumbledore." And you're not the boss of me! Hermione Granger is the boss of me! And you don't even go to this school anymore!"

"Yeah…" said Oliver Wood. He said that out of curiosity, not because he wanted to defend Dumbledore. "Why are you here?"

"You don't go to this school either! Why are you here?" Said Fred as him and Oliver got in a fight with weapons of mass destruction.

"Squish!" squished Dumbledore as a beehive the size of an obese elephant, which fell on his old frail body, squished him.

"Pomme de la nette les pomme tapis! Petit tapis rouge! Pomme de la nette des pomme tapis! Petit tapis Gris!" sang Cho singing a French song I learned in kindergarten.

"Cho!' said Harry happily "Thank god you're here so we can talk about how much we love each other!"

"EEUUUUAAAAHHHIIIYYYYAAAA!" screamed Cho "HARRY YOU SUCK! LEAVE ME ALONE! AAAGGGHHH!"

"Haha!" laughed Harry "You have a funny way of showing your love Cho."

"Harry!" screamed Neville Happily "You suck and you smell like fatness"

"What does fatness smell like Neville?" Asked Hermione making her debut into this story.

"Like you" said Neville happily.

"GGRRRR!" screamed Hermione angrily. She took out her mushroom gun and started shooting mushrooms at Neville.

"EEK!" screamed Neville running away quickly "CURSE YOU FATTY!"

"He he!" laughed Hermione.

"Nice One" said Harry trying to fit in.

"DON'T SPEAK TO ME!" screamed Hermione shooting mushrooms at Harry. It was a pointless act though since Harry just ate the mushrooms like the fat pig he was.

"Yum!" said Harry.

"I HATE YOU!" screamed Hermione she ran to do her masters biddings.

"Canary Cream!" yelled George "Get your canary creams right here! Only 5 sickle each!" Everybody rushed to buy canary creams until all of Georges inventory was sold.

"Hey!" yelled Mrs. Weasley "These aren't Canary Creams! They're chunks of dirt!"

"Haha!" laughed George "You bought them, you keep them! No returns!"

"MRS WEASLEY!" screamed Hermione shooting Mrs. Weasley with her mushroom gun "HOW DARE YOU BE IN MY PRECENCE!"

"Hey mom!" said George "Why are you here anyways?"

"I came to see Snape" said Mrs. Weasley "He stole my sandals and I plan on getting them back."

Snape walked in wearing pink sandals.

"Eek!" said Snape nervously trying to hide the sandals behind his back. "Mrs. Weasley! What a pleasant surprise… these are my sandals…I…. Uh… Bought the same pair that you have…"

"HAYA!" screamed Mrs. Weasley chasing after Snape.

"EEK!" screamed Snape running away.

"GEORGE! THIS CANARY CREAM IS A CHUNK OF DIRT!" screamed Filch who just noticed his canary cream was a chunk of dirt. He did some weird wizard thing with his hands "I put the janitor curse on you!"

"Oh no." said George with false enthusiasm.

"Professor Mcgonigal is not someone to cross" said Harry

"Where is she by the way?" said Ron

"She got kidnapped by the old people who were doing yoga in the lake" said Draco Malfoy walking into the room.

"Is that a boy or a girl?" asked a confused Lucius Malfoy pointing at Draco.

"Daddy! It's me!" sobbed Draco sadly

"WHAT!" screamed Lucius "I have a kid? OH NO!" He then ran out of the castle screaming.

"FIELD TRIP!" screamed Snape who had just escaped Mrs. Weasley and was now taking the school on a field trip. "LINE UP! WE ARE GOING ON A FIELD TRIP TO MCGONIGALS ROOM WERE WE WILL GO THROUGH HER SECRET STUFF BECAUSE SHE IS NOT HERE AND CANNOT DEFEND HERSELF!"

Everybody lined up and went to Mcgonigal's room, but that story is for another chapter…

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Yay For Chapter One! NOW REVIEW SO THE WORLD WILL BE A HAPPIER PLACE!


	2. Chapter Beef! Yay Beef!

**Chapter Beef**

In the distant land of Mcgonigal's room Harry was speaking to his only friend. Mcgonigal's doorknob (You didn't think he had a real living friend did you?)

"Doorknob, I know Cho loves me but I cant get her to admit It.," said Harry.

"Cho hates you, you smelly cactus sandwich! And so does everybody else in this place." Said Dumbledore. "Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! **_Tweak_**!"

"You shouldn't talk! Nobody likes you either!" said Hermione matter-of-factly.

"Yes…Hermione" said Dumbledore sadly.

"I BELIEVE IN A THING CALLED LOVE! Screamed Dumbledore's wife named Dumblette.

"I BELEIVE IN A THING CALLED BEEF!" screamed George.

"You do?" Asked Fred

"Yes" smiled George.

"Where's Cho?" asked Harry.

"I DON'T LIKE YOU POTTER!" screamed Snape loudly in Harry's face.

"EEK!" yelled Harry running out of the room. He then went on a search for Cho. He soon found her in the kitchen eating all the evil soup she could get her small little hands on.

"Cho!" said Harry happily "I have found you my sweet sugar plum cloud of happiness!"

"HARRY!" Screamed Cho quite unhappily "How dare you call me such things! GO AWAY I AM BUSY!"

"But we are in love, my large knitting needle of caresses and diseased hobo's!"

"Don't talk about hobo's that way" screamed Cho "They are awesome even though they live in boxes and have no use of the word hygiene! And not all of them have diseases! Are you a complete moron?"

"For you baby, I could be," said Harry romantically smiling his most charming smile.

"THERE IS KETCHUP ON YOUR FACE!" said Cho angrily. That was the emergency sentence, which should only be used when you really want to get Harry away from you.

"Oh NOOOO!" screamed Harry running away to wash his face. Cho continued eating evil soup.

Back in Mcgonigal's room Fleur Delacour was hitting Ron over the head with a giant green eraser.

"Why are you doing this?" sobbed Ron very sadly.

"To teach you to not mess with my meat pie collection!" said Fleur.

"Oh…" said Ron "Carry on then."

"Be happy fatsos!" yelled Neville to everybody.

"Neville why are you so happy today? You're usually sad and depressed." said Cho walking into the room.

"I'm happy because it's 2:00 in fat Ireland right now!" said Neville happily.

"Oh" said Cho handling apiece paper which then gave her a paper cut. "Ouch!"

"You need a Band-Aid!" Yelled Madam Pomfrey rushing in with a band-aid.

"NOOOO!" screamed Cho "Band-Aids are for wimps! I AM NO GIRLY WHIMP!"

"I don't even think she's a girl!" laughed George quietly to Ron. Ron and George laughed quietly.

"AGGHH! I heard that," screamed Cho attacking George.

"EEEEKKKKKK!" screamed George leaping out of Cho's way. Cho then landed on Dumblette.

"DON'T TOUCH ROYALTY!" screamed Dumblette hitting Cho over the head with a cucumber-scented crayon. There was suddenly a huge splash.

"Oops" said Harry "I dropped my milkshake."

"CLEAN THAT UP MISTER!" screamed Dumblette.

"Darn." Said Harry who then did his best at cleaning the mess.

"HEY" screamed Dumbledore at Dumblette. "That's my cucumber scented crayon! How dare you steal it from me! I hate you Dumblette the ugly woman who I was forced to marry!"

"IM NOT UGLY! I'M JUST DEFORMED!" screamed Dumblette. Everybody laughed at that just to make Harry feel left out.

"I don't get it," said Harry in a confused, left out kind of way.

"I don't get your face!" Said Hagrid laughing "Oh! BURN!"

"I'm going to go now since you all keep making me feel confused and left out!" Screamed Harry angrily. He then tried to leave, tripped over the unconscious Severus Snape, and fell out the window, which made many people cheer and sing.

"You smell like expired hobo's Cho!" said Lee Jordan who had just came out of the closet he had been sleeping in.

"WELL GOOD!" screamed Cho hitting Lee with a large metal tree "BECAUSE HOBO'S ARE A SWEET GENTLE SPECIES AND THEY DESERVE MORE THAN THEY HAVE, LEE JORDAN IF THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME!"

"IT IS!" screamed Lee Jordan escaping from Cho and hiding behind Dumblette.

"HOW DARE HIDE BEHIND ME, MORTAL!" screamed Dumblette.

"Dumblette why are you such a fat jerk?" asked Neville happily.

"IM NOT FAT! I'M JUST OVERWEIGHT!" screamed Dumblette hitting Neville with a duo-tang. Dumblette got so worked up she had a heart attack and had to go to the hospital.

Snape waved his wand and turned Fleur into a shrimp.

"Haha!" laughed Ron "You're a shrimp! Try to hit me over the head with a giant green eraser now!"

Fleur the shrimp then used her magical shrimp powers to beat Ron over the head with a giant green eraser.

Meanwhile Harry was on his way to the dungeon to get a potion to cure Ron's grandma's wrinkles. He opened a random door and inside was…

"SIRIUS" yelled Harry in shock "I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD"

"Of course not you ugly boy!" said Sirius "At the ministry of magic I fell behind that veil and got knocked out! I WAS THERE FOR EIGHT FREAKIN WEEKS! WHY DIDNT ANYBODY HELP ME?"

"I was to lazy" said Harry

"Thought so," said Sirius shrugging "I'm leaving now." He left to go seek fortune in Moaning Mertles bathroom.

Meanwhile George was sitting on the ground by the lake looking very sad.

"What's wrong fatty," said Neville happily.

"I'm so confused," said George sadly "I don't know who I hate more: Dumbledore or Harry"

"Maybe you hate both of the fatties the same" said Neville in a happy suggestive way.

"Yeah!" said George cheering up "I feel a lot better now!" He sprinted off in happy bounces.

"Fat sausages" said Neville happily as the ending sentence.

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"Review you fatty's" said Neville happily. 


End file.
